Mailbag Sunday!

So, I've received a pretty high volume of mail concerning Cary Brothers over the last several months, and I figure now is as good a time as any to roll out the keepers:
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CBiKoaD,

As a concerned parent, I am in a daily struggle with pop music for the hearts and minds of my children. I recently caught my 12-year-old son with a copy of Cary Brothers' Ride EP, which he claims has "no sex stuff or anything like that in it." A close look at the lyrics leads me to believe otherwise:

"If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?"

That seems blatantly sexual to me. Am I reading too much into things? Also, spending money on an album with only one song on it seems like a pretty bad choice, from a consumer's perspective. How do I talk to my son about Cary Brothers?

Maggie Lewis
Boise, Idaho

Maggie,
First of all, you are definitely not reading too much into things. It's widely known that Cary Brothers is a deviant, whose songs are mostly anthems of drug use and anonymous sex.

When talking to your son, be direct. Be honest. Let him know how concerned you are. Show him pictures of Cary Brothers fans and the people he hires for his band. Also, be on the lookout for the signs adolescents exhibit after prolonged exposure (God forbid) to Cary Brothers:

* Long douchey hair
* Beards
* Sudden affinity for vests

As for the Ride EP, yeah I totally see where you're coming from. I saw that thing on iTunes and I was like "WUT" and my friend was with me and he totally agreed.

-CBiKoaD-
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CV,

I'd like to start by saying that you're a great American. At the moment, myself and several associates are trying to get a blacklist going for all the pinko-commies in the Hollywood pop music scene; we want a new Hollywood Ten, if you will. At the moment, we don't have any legislators backing us, but I figure that once we have enough evidence, that will take care of itself. Would you care to share information? Pool resources?

Bernard
Corona, California

Bernard,
Thank you, you are a Great American as well. It's a no-go on collaborating, though. This eagle flies solo.

-CV-
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Jon,
What is your freaking problem? This whole thing is really out of bounds. Everyone's heard the story by now.

You were at Cary's house one night, you made a pass at his friend's girl (I heard you actually groped her) she shot you down, some people saw it and laughed, then you punched through the kitchen window. Sure, Cary banned you from the house, but he also gave you money for the ER and didn't even make you pay for the damage. Is this really grounds for starting a hate blog?

It's not a big deal man, that kind of stuff happens. Just cut your losses and move on.

See you at practice,
Matt

Matt,

That's one version of the story, but just because you heard it from Cary and twenty of his lying friends doesn't make it true. Here's what I remember happening:

I was invited by a friend to a party at Cary's house, a week or so after I moved to LA. I didn't know many people, so I started chatting amiably with the nice young lady sitting to my right. Before I knew what was happening, Brothers was all up in my grill, sour breath stinging my eyes, shouting about this or that. Who knows.

He slapped me across the face, drug me into the kitchen and threw me up against the wall. My arm crashed through the window. He saw I was gonna call the cops so he bribed me with a bunch of money and then threw me out into the street. He laughed and laughed and laughed. It was in that moment I decided to show the world what he really was. A laughing, mean, angry, hateful, ugly, stupid dumbdsgjklejbkleajwbkl;wejgkl;ewaklfGAHAFDKFLHSLKF
IHATECARYBROTHERSIHATEHIMHIMHIMFDHIHATECAY DJFKSDLJKLBROTEHTSRRS HSTWA HTE GUYJDSKLFGJLK:GJ!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111